Issues with homestay relative (14 yr old)??

[willister]

Hi,

Sort of a in a pickle and need to see if people would have any suggestions at solving this? In a nutshell, we are providing accommodation for a 14 yr old who is doing high school here - he is from Asia and mrs's nephew. We currently rent my mum's rear unit whilst she lives at the front with my mrs's nephew.

We do not charge him any $ for food and accommodation but he is required to help my mother and father out with his home duties - this includes cleaning his own room, upstairs rumpus (his exclusive use), own bathroom - all once a week as well as the kitchen (every 2nd day). My mother cooks for us all and works 6 days a week - so fairly hectic and gets very tired for a late 50s person.

He has not kept his end of the deal and is generally lazy....just wants to be on the mobile 24/7 etc. My mother coming from a different era expects a lot and is only impressed by hard working people...I tried to sort of calm her down and say it's different these days.

I do feel for him being only 14 and living away from home, however, on the other hand, he made the commitment to come over, he should expect to do some hard yards?

My question is what is fair? Is it too much to ask for the above??

We were reluctant to take him on as we are full ourselves with our 2 yr old and newborn, but he has no family here other than his aunty (my wife) and his folks are too game with other homestay families.

It hasn't worked out well and could get ugly - can't evict him from my mother's as he is 14 and can't exactly send him back either!!

Thanks!

 

[sanj]

I'd cut him a bit of slack. It sounds like he isn't adding too much to the workload, he just isn't helping much and so your mum would likely be tired from doing so much anyway, maybe you guys could help her out a day or 2 a week.

He's a kid after all so while I can see why it would be a big annoying I'd personally cut him some slack and be happy that I'm doing something pretty great for someone, whether he appreciates it now or not.

My view of this is a bit biased though because growing up we lived with a lot of us in 1 house and constantly had relatives and friends kids etc staying with us/my grandparents.

 

[ellejay]

Have you spoken to him about it? He's 14 so he may need a few reminders about the chores. Not unusual for kids to not bother so he needs to know if it's non negotiable rather than waiting for your mum to finally blow her top.

 

[neK]

He needs to be made accountable.

The issue is that his parents aren't here. So he feels like he's free.
Screw that, he's 14, while still young, he's old enough to understand and pull his own weight.

If he doesn't do it now, he's not going to get any better.

 

[SeafordSunshine]

Homestay relative!

Oh Dear!

Did they send him to your house to get rid of him?

Sounds like he might need a bit of time and lots of love?

I dont mean mushy love! I mean the type that teaches him responsibility!

Time to get the type that says carrot and stick, gentle encouragement and punishment..

I know I am old fashioned.
I hope this helps

 

[sanj]

If he doesn't do it now, he's not going to get any better.

that may be a just a touch dramatic...

I do agree he shold be asked to lift his game though

 

[BayView]

Having a 13 year old boy myself (and I was one too about 300 years ago), I can tell you that your young man is no different really...they are in a world of their own at that age to a large degree.

A sit down chat to spell out what he is being given, and what you expect in return to "repay" the favour is all that is needed.

You will probably need to make a written list of the chores (we did a spreadsheet for our son), because I know with my son he knows what he is supposed to do, but regularly forgets (sometimes on purpose; I'm sure) - has no concept of time frames, doesn't look past the next 10 mins, no planning, etc.

For example; my son has to take out our bin every Tuesday night after school, and bring it back in when he arrives home from school on Wed arvo. He has to be reminded every other week.

Cleaning up the room would be a universal parent/carer gripe.

There also needs to be punishment for continually not keeping up his end of the bargain....a warning that there will be a confiscation of the phone/Ipad/Ipod/Xbox, etc for a set amount of days.

I don't care what the culture is etc - he is still a boy who needs to learn responsibility and some self-discipline.

He is not a little kid anymore (even little kids can learn all this). At 14, these days he is a young man in many ways, but also still a boy in other ways.

This is not being harsh - you are providing some basic ground rules and boundaries which have consequences if not adhered to - just like life.

 

[vaughan]

What part of Asia is he from? Maids and cleaners may be very common where he lives.

 

[Macca]

He is probably lonely and is using his phone to chat to people he finds interesting, old people (over 30) are not interesting

I agree there need to be a meeting and everyones responsibilities spelled out again, I would then create a schedule and put it up in the kitchen somewhere to remind him of his share of the workload and when he needs to do it.

I would try this first and if it fails I would then contact his parents and ask them to intervene with the threat of reduced pocket money or suspension of phone account as penalties for not completing his chores.

 

[The Y-man]

Could drop a comment on his Facebook page or tweet him when he needs to do something......

The Y-man

 

[neK]

that may be a just a touch dramatic...

I do agree he shold be asked to lift his game though

It may be depending on how you look at it... but its what I've experienced.
Past and current... though the sample size is small.

What makes it hard is at times wanting to ask them to leave, but then realising the repercussions on everyone else as a result.

 

[westminster]

Hmmm this is hard.

What was the expections of him, his parents and your parents when he came here?

14yo are permanently glued to their mobile phones and live in a very self centred world BUT should be expected to do some jobs. My 15yo unpacks the dishwasher, makes school lunches (3 kids), does the garbage bin and his room and clothes washing. However the room we cast a blind eye too and the dishwasher is a constant reminder

Work out what is negotiable, what is non negotiable and what chores he did at home as he may prefer different chores. Implement a roster and consequences.

Sounds like your Mum does a lot for the family but I don't think she should be expecting a part time dish-hand either.

 

[depreciator]

Ah, so you have a typical 14 year old kid on your hands. He probably can't believe his luck. He gets to live here, has his own rumpus room and bathroom, and doesn't have his parents breathing down his neck. He's going to milk all that as much as he can - he's a kid.
Willister, you're going to have to step in and be the dad and explain the way the world works. He'll understand. You might need to also explain to your mum how 14 year old boys work. If he's a decent kid, it will all be okay.

 

[Tonibell]

How long is the arrangement in place for ?

"Doing high school" for a 14 year old could be very long term and quite unreasonable for your parents.

 

[lizzie]

A few things leap out at me with this.

Seriously - he's only 14 - a long way from home and the friends he has known for most of his life and he doesn't seem to have developed any bond with any of the people he is now living with - do you treat him like a family member, or just someone staying who you're doing a favour for?

Why the heck is your mother working 6 days a week and coming home to cook and clean up after everyone!? Is this what she's always done? Why doesn't some of the other adults pitch in?

He seems like a normal early teen kid ... I know at that age I was totally self absorbed and if you replace a book (or very very early, stick the phone handset in a box, dial up computer games) for the phone that was me ... don't think I ever made dinner or cleaned up ... only did jobs as they were asked politely of me at the time - helped get in the washing, setting the table etc - and I turned out pretty normal and hardworking.

My 11yr old is exactly the same as I was - and as this kid sounds - absorbed in chatting to friends online or computer games - unless asked at the moment to "help" do something. Man, I can even set the dinner table around her and she doesn't notice ... but she does well at school, is polite and friendly and helps without complaining when asked ... never cleans her room!

It sounds like you feel like you doing this kid a massive favour ... but he most certainly won't see it that way because, as a kid, things are just how they are because that's how they are.

Perhaps - instead of blaming the kid for doing what all 14yr olds do - could you ask his parents to contribute something financially and bring in a cleaner once a week ... and even more importantly ... befriend him?

 

[WASP]

Lots of good feedback above, Bayviews resonates with me, there may not be any change for a few years

 

[willister]

Having a 13 year old boy myself (and I was one too about 300 years ago), I can tell you that your young man is no different really...they are in a world of their own at that age to a large degree.

A sit down chat to spell out what he is being given, and what you expect in return to "repay" the favour is all that is needed.

You will probably need to make a written list of the chores (we did a spreadsheet for our son), because I know with my son he knows what he is supposed to do, but regularly forgets (sometimes on purpose; I'm sure) - has no concept of time frames, doesn't look past the next 10 mins, no planning, etc.

For example; my son has to take out our bin every Tuesday night after school, and bring it back in when he arrives home from school on Wed arvo. He has to be reminded every other week.

Cleaning up the room would be a universal parent/carer gripe.

There also needs to be punishment for continually not keeping up his end of the bargain....a warning that there will be a confiscation of the phone/Ipad/Ipod/Xbox, etc for a set amount of days.

I don't care what the culture is etc - he is still a boy who needs to learn responsibility and some self-discipline.

He is not a little kid anymore (even little kids can learn all this). At 14, these days he is a young man in many ways, but also still a boy in other ways.

This is not being harsh - you are providing some basic ground rules and boundaries which have consequences if not adhered to - just like life.

After thinking about it and before reading this, I thought this was the *only* way to resolve this before tensions become any worse - officialise it and check it every time so nothing is suddenly "forgotten"...

Your feedback is exactly my thoughts! We did however stress to the kid's parents (my brother in law/sister in law) that Australia is very different from Vietnam where they are well off and can afford maids/drivers/assistants - yes they are the nouveau rich.

When I visited back with my wife during our wedding years back, I got my wife to tell them that life is very different in Australia and if his son was going to study here, he better be prepared for a much "harder" life.

The biggest issue is that I'm getting pressure on both ends -the wife who thinks my mother is treating him unfairly and my mother who thinks the boy is slack and not doing his bit - both have their points but if I raise it, surely it will end in more tension.

I've had a pep talk to him in the past but I think a lot of my messages were not conveyed properly due to his relatively low standard of English....so I'm not sure how far that went...

To be fair, he has had some habits which are whilst normal for a teenager need to seriously be addressed:

1. Lights left on at night as a result of facebooking/surfing net on mobile and then falling asleep on the bed. Mother reminded him 3 times and has caught him again once or twice afterwards.

2. Extremely long showers for a bloke - 15 to 20 minutes is not uncommon.

I've stressed to him that coming to Australia is a privilege and not a given/right and constantly reminded him that he is one of the lucky ones in an impoverish country where it's common for people to even miss out on basic schooling. I think he gets the idea for about 2 weeks and then forgets it afterwards...

We involve him on all family events, when my nephews and teenage cousins come around, we welcome him and try to give him a chance to practice his English. He seems shy - understandable but seems like all he wants to do is isolate himself in his room - on mobile.

Thanks for all you input, I sincerely hope this works out!

 

[westminster]

If he's used to home help in Vietnam he must think he's come to a 3rd world country here - not the lucky one.

He is probably chatting to the friends he left behind. How long has he been here?

I actually think he'd be better living with you and your wife. I understand you have 2 young children but this is more your family duty than your parents. Does your parents speak any Vietnamese? Is your nephew comfortable to bring home friends from school if he makes any?

 

[lizzie]

To be fair, he has had some habits which are whilst normal for a teenager need to seriously be addressed:

1. Lights left on at night as a result of facebooking/surfing net on mobile and then falling asleep on the bed. Mother reminded him 3 times and has caught him again once or twice afterwards.

2. Extremely long showers for a bloke - 15 to 20 minutes is not uncommon.

Why seriously? These are completely normal behaviours for a teen ... a modern light would use very little power and my 11yr old still sleeps with her light on (don't tell her I told you).

If it's causing your mother such issues, why don't you guys move back into the house with him ... and your mother can have her flat (and peace) back.

You need to involve him in more than family events - he needs to become part of the day to day life of your family ... shopping, gardening, watching tv, cooking dinner together, helping with homework ... all of the above and more.

If he speaks poor English then no wonder he's isolating himself - he must feel so alone and misunderstood. Getting angry, and laying down the law, is the worst thing you can do as he will only rebel and "jack up" further.

I kinda feel sorry for him ... and also reiterate ... if your sister in law is so "well off" can they at least contribute something to ease the burden of your busy family ... a cleaner or garden person?

 

[Ed Barton]

2. Extremely long showers for a bloke - 15 to 20 minutes is not uncommon.

It may be the only place he feels is private enough to, um, do those private things that 14 yr old boys do.