Your tired mother works 6 days a week but still cooks your dinner and you're complaining about a lazy teenager
Issues with homestay relative (14 yr old)??
- Thread starter willister
- Start date
Your tired mother works 6 days a week but still cooks your dinner and you're complaining about a lazy teenager
We can't move him back with us (despite the fact that the granny flat is just right behind it). It's a 2 bedder - fully used and he can't stand the newborn crying whilst doing homework.
He has no interest in watching TV or engaging in conversations despite numerous attempts to ask about schooling etc. I have tried to say if there is anything you don't understand at school, please come and ask. In the 6 months he has been here he has asked maybe 2 questions?
All I know and see him doing is this -> sleeping, school, eats dinner, washes his own dishes and running back up to his room, holing up in his room and until the next day. Rinse and Repeat.
The entire thing I'm p*ssed off about is that we told his folks what it was like, expectations etc and how we are all busy in Australia so if it comes, be prepared to do some housework and work a bit harder. We told them at the start we are not babying their 14 yr old.
You might be rich in Vietnam but converted to AUD and the exxy prices over, I doubt they can pay his living expenses. The next step may be asking his folks perhaps to contact the school for alternative accommodation of things escalate?
Perfect opportunity to be the bad cop, but shift the blame!
You say to him; "Look, Nguyen/John; I really need you to keep up with your chores because I am copping flack from both the girls about it. They are very busy and need your help with the housework and tidying up. You're 14 years old now; a young man, and you know what you need to do - we shouldn't have to be reminding you to do them."
I have a similar discussion with my son from time to time.
This is my son exactly.
Add to that; empty glasses of Milo left downstairs on the coffee table - next to the empty plates of toast crumbs and chip packets, apple cores and banana skins, dirty clothes, or clean clothes not put away, leaving milk carton out, leaving fridge door open...
Similar to the; "Eat your dinner'; kids in other Countries are starving!"
My son again - and every single one of his school class, it seems.
It's the 21st century. The worry is the types of discussions he might be having. Good to be involved and ask/discuss with him issues such as bullying and saying nasty things from the protection of the keyboard (a lot like this place!
)Don't over-react to this sloppy behaviour - he can be saved. Even though my son's occasional laziness (aren't we all?) with cleaning up/lights etc gets annoying, I try not to "crunch" him - we are at the stage where I can say; "Can you put those things away for me?" and he jumps right to it. The key words there are can you?. (It's a management skill I learned a long time ago). They are more likely to comply if these words are at the beginning of the sentence. I rarely have to ask my son twice to do the cleanup, but occasionally he gets side-tracked.
You wanna see the state of some cars we see in our workshop - driven by adults...many are a rubbish dump inside.
Look more at his educating him on his core values and manners, etc.
This seems a bit severe to me.
If he was abusive, aggressive, dangerous, a criminal etc - possibly a good reason, but if he has his own quarters away from all of you; where is the problem?
When I was 14 I wanted to be as far away from my parents and siblings as much as possible because I wanted my own world and space. I still loved them all; but I didn't need to be in the same room for much of the time.
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Well it makes on think what's happening in the bathroom when one thinks about the test of originality,maybe he's just no good at hanging onto the soap on a rope..
Sounds like a typical 14 yr old, give them some chores but not too much and make sure they are done but he should be concentrating on school work and friends primarily not being an adult or house servant.
Plenty of time for this once he becomes an adult but I would limit the computer IPad though IMO
Plenty of time for this once he becomes an adult but I would limit the computer IPad though IMO
Willister, is this correct: your wife's nephew is staying for free and doing no chores at your mum's house. Your mum is not a blood relative to your wife.
I haven't read what others have written, so forgive me if I repeat anything.
First, your mum, in her late 50s, working six a days a week, should NOT be expected to be raising anyone else's children at her age. She has done her bit. If it were a relative of hers, perhaps. Especially as the child is a non-relative, how can she possibly set down boundaries and rules?
Sorry, that child needs to live with his aunty (your wife) or go back. You and your wife should not be expecting your mother, out of the goodness of her heart, to be doing anything for this boy.
It is rude of your wife and this boy's parents to send him to live with a stranger. Kids don't know much at 14. It's not his fault; it's the fault of his parents and aunty.
You, as the link in this should be stepping up to the plate. You should be taking him in. If you can't, let your wife's family know that your mother is not well enough to be raising their son. Your mother has been too kind and you have all taken advantage of her.
As a mother who has occasionally housed international exchange students, I can tell you that it's not as easy as it looks, even when they are no trouble. Unless you've raised children and had other people's children in your own home, you have no idea.
I feel a bit sorry for the kid. Boy, I bet he's lonely - I'm guessing there isn't much friendly banter around the meal table at night.
Who is acting as his guardian and going to parent teacher nights at school and all of that? I hope somebody is.
All the adults involved went into this without much thought. I reckon the situation can probably be salvaged, but I'm afraid Willister you are going to have to be the one who steps up and does it. You've got a 14 year old kid a bit earlier than you expected.
Who is acting as his guardian and going to parent teacher nights at school and all of that? I hope somebody is.
All the adults involved went into this without much thought. I reckon the situation can probably be salvaged, but I'm afraid Willister you are going to have to be the one who steps up and does it. You've got a 14 year old kid a bit earlier than you expected.
Willister ... I know you are doing your best - and we might be being a bit harsh on here - but I want to ask a really vital question here.
Is this lad in Australia because "he" wants to be here and is eager - or did his parents think an English background high school education, in a land of opportunity, would be better for him?
From the young fella's angle ...
If I grew up in, say, North Sydney ... mum and dad were well off and had a housekeeper - we had a pool, bedroom with ensuite each, media room et al - and I spent my days either at school or hanging around the mall/beach/maccas with my friends and not having to worry about chores or cooking dinners or anything other than school and friends and understood completely the intricacies of a complex culture ... hell life was sweet
...how would I feel at a stage in my life - with uncontrollable hormones - insecurities about fitting in - feeling stuck between a kid and an adult and not belonging to either world - if my parents then packed me off to live in Shanghai, in a two bedroom apartment with some old biddy who was never home, but was grumpy and complaining when she was about how I should be grateful - I didn't speak the language - I didn't understand the customs - I didn't know anyone except some distant aunt - no friends ...
... seriously ... (and I am being serious) ... I would probably go home in a body bag.
Being a teen is sucky enough without being shipped off to a completely foreign world where you have no real support network, friends, grasp of the language and limited chance of fitting in. Does he have any friends? Friends are their "family" at this age.
Even 30 years later I clearly remember being his age (as a female) and it was the worst time of my life - that includes being worse than a messy divorce and having to deal with the cow-from-hell-hubbys-ex ... and that was surrounded by loving family, friends and familiar surrounding.
Yes - teens want to be left alone whilst they struggle with all this - but also need to know there is a "soft place" to fall back on at any time. You don't need to have "conversations" with him - you'll only get grunted at anyhow - but you need to be "in" his life.
I think Property Girl is right ... you either need to care for this lad yourself in a loving and encompassing manner, or send him home.
You said he has his own bedroom and rumpus upstairs - why can't this become yours' and your kids area and he have the other bedroom?
Is this lad in Australia because "he" wants to be here and is eager - or did his parents think an English background high school education, in a land of opportunity, would be better for him?
From the young fella's angle ...
If I grew up in, say, North Sydney ... mum and dad were well off and had a housekeeper - we had a pool, bedroom with ensuite each, media room et al - and I spent my days either at school or hanging around the mall/beach/maccas with my friends and not having to worry about chores or cooking dinners or anything other than school and friends and understood completely the intricacies of a complex culture ... hell life was sweet
...how would I feel at a stage in my life - with uncontrollable hormones - insecurities about fitting in - feeling stuck between a kid and an adult and not belonging to either world - if my parents then packed me off to live in Shanghai, in a two bedroom apartment with some old biddy who was never home, but was grumpy and complaining when she was about how I should be grateful - I didn't speak the language - I didn't understand the customs - I didn't know anyone except some distant aunt - no friends ...
... seriously ... (and I am being serious) ... I would probably go home in a body bag.
Being a teen is sucky enough without being shipped off to a completely foreign world where you have no real support network, friends, grasp of the language and limited chance of fitting in. Does he have any friends? Friends are their "family" at this age.
Even 30 years later I clearly remember being his age (as a female) and it was the worst time of my life - that includes being worse than a messy divorce and having to deal with the cow-from-hell-hubbys-ex ... and that was surrounded by loving family, friends and familiar surrounding.
Yes - teens want to be left alone whilst they struggle with all this - but also need to know there is a "soft place" to fall back on at any time. You don't need to have "conversations" with him - you'll only get grunted at anyhow - but you need to be "in" his life.
I think Property Girl is right ... you either need to care for this lad yourself in a loving and encompassing manner, or send him home.
You said he has his own bedroom and rumpus upstairs - why can't this become yours' and your kids area and he have the other bedroom?
That's a good idea:
Willister, you and your wife move into the house with the 14 year old and let your mum live in the granny flat. She can look after herself and cook for you occasionally, and you and your wife can take care of yourselves and the 14 year old all in the main house house. You could invite your mum for dinner sometimes. That will remove a big source of tension.
When you're living with the 14 year old, you can work on building a relationship with him - you don't have one now. Start by playing computer games or something like that and then ease him out of that computer world a bit and into the real world. Find out what stuff he likes to do apart from mucking around on gadgets.
Willister, you and your wife move into the house with the 14 year old and let your mum live in the granny flat. She can look after herself and cook for you occasionally, and you and your wife can take care of yourselves and the 14 year old all in the main house house. You could invite your mum for dinner sometimes. That will remove a big source of tension.
When you're living with the 14 year old, you can work on building a relationship with him - you don't have one now. Start by playing computer games or something like that and then ease him out of that computer world a bit and into the real world. Find out what stuff he likes to do apart from mucking around on gadgets.
I agree things may be tough for the kid, but I'm going in to bat for your mother, probably as I am only a few years older than her.
Your mum is 59, working 6 days a week, cooking for 6 people and being expected to cope with a lazy 14 year old as well, who actually is no relation of hers, and may well choose to ignore her authority.
And your wife thinks mum is unfair?? Did your mum have any say before she had the child foisted upon her?
And the teen HAS to live with her because HE doesn't like the sound of your baby crying?
Please give mum a break!
Why is she doing all the cooking? Surely you or your wife could do a few meals? And help with her house work if you expect her to mind your wife's relative? And, if both you and your wife are working, then pay for some cleaning.
I went through the teen years with my 3 kids and know how difficult things can get.
This boy is being given a remarkable opportunity, and you do him no favours by allowing him to take all the sacrifices OTHERS are making for granted.
If language is a problem, then your wife can interpret.
Don't let this situation continue. Surely your mum deserves better.
Marg
Your mum is 59, working 6 days a week, cooking for 6 people and being expected to cope with a lazy 14 year old as well, who actually is no relation of hers, and may well choose to ignore her authority.
And your wife thinks mum is unfair?? Did your mum have any say before she had the child foisted upon her?
And the teen HAS to live with her because HE doesn't like the sound of your baby crying?
Please give mum a break!
Why is she doing all the cooking? Surely you or your wife could do a few meals? And help with her house work if you expect her to mind your wife's relative? And, if both you and your wife are working, then pay for some cleaning.
I went through the teen years with my 3 kids and know how difficult things can get.
This boy is being given a remarkable opportunity, and you do him no favours by allowing him to take all the sacrifices OTHERS are making for granted.
If language is a problem, then your wife can interpret.
Don't let this situation continue. Surely your mum deserves better.
Marg
Well to be honest, I don't think any 14 year old can decide/be eager about this. It was mainly his parents prodding and convincing him this is "best for him"...when you have excess cash over there, multiple properties, have cars etc. in Vietnam, what other way
The most concerning thing is his parents's wishful thinking in somehow his chances of receiving a permanent residence here would increase if he was here during his formative years. Added to this, in hope that he would be a better fit for Australia/gain better English skills. I agree with the latter bit. However, the kid has somewhat false hopes, he sometimes thinks he "belongs/lives here permanently...and consistently asks how does he get his PR after university."
I frankly told him to stop thinking about PR and that jazz and why don't you just make the most of what you learn here, get a Westernised view of the world and make it a great experience here? Watch/learn AFL, Cricket. etc. Hope for the best but also in the worst scenario take what you learnt here and use it back home later. Everything that has come out of his mouth has been critical of the Vietnamese education system/government etc. It seems as if an Australian education would be a magic bullet for him or something...or as if he cant pick certain things up under his old education system.
Before his arrival, I kept on telling my wife to say to her brother/sister in law to seriously consider other options first and ask genuinely if the kid is ready? Perhaps a stint at an international school for 2 years or so might assist and see if this sort of education suits him? I got a blunt "I want him in Australia at all costs this year, regardless"
The kid isn't that hard working or extremely talented/gifted in my honest opinion...and doesn't seem that interested in English/Aussie education.
Well, he's here isn't he? Rather than telling him to forget about it, why not use his interest on PR to get him motivated to do stuff. Getting PR is not easy and he will need to prove his competence later on. If anything I'd actually tell him several path to PR, especially the independent skilled migrant visa and dispel his parents' beliefs that it's easier for him because he's in Australia since high school.
Motivation to get a PR is not a bad thing if it gets him going.
I can't remember my younger self to be interested in Aussie education (or any education) ever. I do it because I need to do it. He needs to do it if he wants chance to get his residency.
The fact is, 99% of people are ordinary. They don't need to be talented/ gifted to do well in life - it's unrealistic expectation.
At 14 I wasn't interested in an Aussie education, either, and I was an Aussie.
Willister, kids don't realise how much their mothers sacrifice for them until they become parents themselves. Your mother is sacrificing a hell of a lot, for you, her son. Was she even consulted before this happened? She, probably like so many mums, was trying to help you out.
As I said, you need to step into this. Get this child out from your mum's house. It's not fair on her. She is too polite to tell you the truth. Or maybe she has, but doesn't want to create friction between you and your wife's family. Your mum is being treated like a doormat.
Also, it's incredibly rude, ungrateful and unclassy for this boy's family to not offer to pay board, food, overheads, especially if they're so 'wealthy'
themselves. It's rude that your wife hasn't told her family that they should be offering financial support.
Sorry, but you need to step up as the man in your family and tackle it head on, with diplomacy of course.
What are you still doing living at your mum's house? Perhaps it's time for you to take a step in the direction of independency and rent a unit. Get a three bedroom unit so that you can take the boy with you.
At this stage of your mum's life, her daughter in law should be cooking for her, not the other way round.
As I said, you need to step into this. Get this child out from your mum's house. It's not fair on her. She is too polite to tell you the truth. Or maybe she has, but doesn't want to create friction between you and your wife's family. Your mum is being treated like a doormat.
Also, it's incredibly rude, ungrateful and unclassy for this boy's family to not offer to pay board, food, overheads, especially if they're so 'wealthy'
themselves. It's rude that your wife hasn't told her family that they should be offering financial support.
Sorry, but you need to step up as the man in your family and tackle it head on, with diplomacy of course.
What are you still doing living at your mum's house? Perhaps it's time for you to take a step in the direction of independency and rent a unit. Get a three bedroom unit so that you can take the boy with you.
At this stage of your mum's life, her daughter in law should be cooking for her, not the other way round.
I think the young fella needs some positive reinforcement.
Take him to the local karate school and match him up with the meanest mutha there. He might end up with a bloodied nose or a sore back but that's about it.
Now, as you drive him home after the worst night of his life, ask him if he would prefer to stay at home and clean EVERYTHING up or come back tomorrow for more karate lessons lol.
I don't think you'll have any problems after that one lesson. But, if he begins to misbehave some time in the future just start mentioning those karate classes eg "oh that blackbelt is looking for a sparring partner" lol.
Take him to the local karate school and match him up with the meanest mutha there. He might end up with a bloodied nose or a sore back but that's about it.
Now, as you drive him home after the worst night of his life, ask him if he would prefer to stay at home and clean EVERYTHING up or come back tomorrow for more karate lessons lol.
I don't think you'll have any problems after that one lesson. But, if he begins to misbehave some time in the future just start mentioning those karate classes eg "oh that blackbelt is looking for a sparring partner" lol.
You can wash yourself as long, or fast enough as you want?
Ewww...
Add cleaning to those chores
I agree his behaviour is completely normal. He is the same age as my son.
Please do not use words like lazy and different generation as this makes him wrong and he isn't!
He needs clear boundaries (not labels).
My son is given a list of jobs - vaccuum all floors, every day, mop once a week.
Bring in groceries etc.
At 14 he needs to be shown exactly what and how to do it and how often. You cannot be general with a teenager.
If he gets it wrong - don't criticise, not even constructive criticism, people are not stupid no matter how you label criticism.
With my son - we always praise him. I note the things that need to be improved and ask for them to be done next time. Like "hey buddy when you vacuum today, can you also do the skirting boards". They are looking very dusty, also do you think you can get the vacuum cleaner under the beds?" Thanks buddy.
It works better than telling him that he just vacuumed around the beds and missed the skirting last time!
What you can achieve out of people is sometimes a reflection of your own leadership and skills of influence.
Every person in the world wants to feel valued and needed and if you approach it from that direction it will work much better.
In my real estate office we are registered to provide training for cert 4 in real estate and business certificates. We've trained lots of young people and can start coaching them from 15. Not all have worked out, but the above really douse help with young teens.
Please do not use words like lazy and different generation as this makes him wrong and he isn't!
He needs clear boundaries (not labels).
My son is given a list of jobs - vaccuum all floors, every day, mop once a week.
Bring in groceries etc.
At 14 he needs to be shown exactly what and how to do it and how often. You cannot be general with a teenager.
If he gets it wrong - don't criticise, not even constructive criticism, people are not stupid no matter how you label criticism.
With my son - we always praise him. I note the things that need to be improved and ask for them to be done next time. Like "hey buddy when you vacuum today, can you also do the skirting boards". They are looking very dusty, also do you think you can get the vacuum cleaner under the beds?" Thanks buddy.
It works better than telling him that he just vacuumed around the beds and missed the skirting last time!
What you can achieve out of people is sometimes a reflection of your own leadership and skills of influence.
Every person in the world wants to feel valued and needed and if you approach it from that direction it will work much better.
In my real estate office we are registered to provide training for cert 4 in real estate and business certificates. We've trained lots of young people and can start coaching them from 15. Not all have worked out, but the above really douse help with young teens.
