Regrets

I got a phone call today from a Mortuary, to say that my dad passed away a month ago (took them a month to track me down). He died of lung cancer at age 61 and had me named as his next of kin.

I haven't seen him or heard from him for about 20 years. My parents divorced when I was 18 months old and dad used to pick me up every sunday til I was about 10 years old and go to the zoo or the park or whatever for the day. I got along very fondly with him til one sunday he didnt turn up and that was the end of it.

My mum met another bloke (that I call 'dad') when I was 3 and married him when I was 6, so I was never without a father figure. I was angry as a teenager that my 'real dad' wasn't about, but as an adult I've considered trying to find him a few times over the years (and gotten as much as some vague clues on his whereabouts), but always put off searching as I was worried what I'd find "What if he had a new family, what if he didn't want to know me, etc" so always put it off as a 'one day' thing. One day never came and I regret this.

So, it seems to me, that 'not doing something' is always more regretful than the 'doing something', anyone else feel this way?
 
Sorry to hear DT.

It's rather timely that you've posted this as I am in a similar situation. Without going into too much detail I never knew my father. Growing up,before the internets, I had a couple of half arsed attempts at tracking him but nothing ever came of it.

About 18 months ago my mum mentioned she found him Google which is something I would be able to do but I have never acted on the information. Not exactly sure why, I'd probably have to pay a shrink a lot of money to delve into those depths! But it's something that's been sitting front of mind a lot of late.

Maybe I should because it may be too late already and that 'what if' will always be there.
 
DT
Sorry about your loss.
I get where you are coming from.

Perhaps its fear of rejection that gets in the way, its a tough call.
 
Your dad obviously cared about you that he didn't want to bother you with his illness. Rest easy, he is at peace now from sorrow and pain. He wouldn't want you to grieve.
 
Sorry to hear it Dave and that it's knocking you around understandably.

Reaching out to an estranged member of the family is rough as it's such a double edge sword - did they not reach back for fear of being rejected by you, do you not reach forwards for fear of being rejected by them.

We have had this conversation at home with the notion that one day we could be getting that call from a mortuary and would there be regrets. I think there would be regrets.

If anyone else would like to find a member of their family who they are estranged from there are some helpful people at:
Red Cross http://www.redcross.org.au/eligibility.aspx
Salvos http://salvos.org.au/familytracing/

If you think the family member may have gone overseas then the Red Cross is the best place to start as they are International and can help outside Australia as well.

You can also use the Australian Police Missing Persons branch where you can report them as missing if no one in your families knows where they are

http://www.missingpersons.gov.au/
 
So, it seems to me, that 'not doing something' is always more regretful than the 'doing something', anyone else feel this way?

Yes, they say: ?It's better to regret what you have done than what you haven't.?

Sorry for your loss.
 
I'm sad to hear about your situation, sorry to hear of your dad's passing, and sorry you didn't ever get the chance to connect again. You're always going to have the question "why did he stop coming to see me?" and "why didn't I try to find him?" and those questions can now never be answered.

We've been through a lot this past year after losing our father (and four years now since losing Mum). Our estranged brother, who wanted nothing but money whilst Mum and Dad were alive has forced us to either fight through court or hand over money. We chose to hand over money and will never see him again.

I don't think I'll have any regrets over this as he has been a black cancer in our family for so long, but I promised myself that if I got bitter or twisted over either the money we've handed him, or over any lingering "blockages" to my life going forward over the trauma he caused us all for so many years, that I would get counselling.

I think you could benefit from speaking to either a grief counsellor or some sort of psychologist to help you come to grips with how you are feeling.

In your shoes, I would be feeling very glad that your father loved you enough to leave you his things (I'm guessing that is the case) or even just naming you as "next of kin". Some people would be too bitter to do that, so he must have loved you, regardless of what caused him to stop visiting.

That would have been a terrible call to take, so go easy on yourself, and seek help if the "why"and "what if" questions start to overwhelm you.
 
In your shoes, I would be feeling very glad that your father loved you enough to leave you his things (I'm guessing that is the case) or even just naming you as "next of kin". Some people would be too bitter to do that, so he must have loved you, regardless of what caused him to stop visiting.


What I was going to say ^^^.

Take only good out of it Dave, dont regret anything.
He did it his way.

You are his next of kin. That's a positive.

Take care.
 
Sorry for your loss. Times like this you need to focus on all the positives in your life and the remember the good times you shared with him.
 
Dave, I'm guessing that going forwards from this the Mortuary will want to release your father to you to arrange a funeral etc.

Don't rush this, don't feel pressured to take this on before you are ready.

You are young and this is a huge shock. Talk to your Mum and Dad and enlist their help if they feel comfortable with it - I'm sure they would help you to support you.

If you need any assistance let me know. Sadly I've helped arrange 2 funerals in the past few years and having 2 parents who are clergy come from a wealth of experience.
 
Dave........sorry to hear this.Your post has played on my mind all day,i wrote half a paragraph earlier today then deleted it,here i am again after many thoughts.Long story short,i 1st met my natural mother when i was 30,as she put me up for adoption.Our relationship was pretty rocky over a 2 year period,then she vanished,never heard from her again,that was nearly 20 years ago,my kids still ask about her,and it still hurts they never knew her.I spent most of my day tracking her down,this in itself was easier said than done,deed poll name changes,deaths,marriages etc made this search interesting.this internet thingy is pretty good.
I finally got her mobile and email,so i will make contact as life really is too short.Your post prompted something in me that i would regret if i didn't do it....Thank You.
 
Dave........sorry to hear this.Your post has played on my mind all day,i wrote half a paragraph earlier today then deleted it,here i am again after many thoughts.Long story short,i 1st met my natural mother when i was 30,as she put me up for adoption.Our relationship was pretty rocky over a 2 year period,then she vanished,never heard from her again,that was nearly 20 years ago,my kids still ask about her,and it still hurts they never knew her.I spent most of my day tracking her down,this in itself was easier said than done,deed poll name changes,deaths,marriages etc made this search interesting.this internet thingy is pretty good.
I finally got her mobile and email,so i will make contact as life really is too short.Your post prompted something in me that i would regret if i didn't do it....Thank You.

Jim, I need to do this myself. If you have any pointers can you PM me? Thanks
 
Thanks for all the wishes, everyone.

I did something slightly unusual and interesting today. When the guy from the mortuary called me yesterday, gave me the name and number of a lady who he said had more info on my dad. I looked the number up and it belonged to a logistics company. I wasnt sure how they were involved, thinking perhaps they had his belongings or something.

I went to work today, and only lasted there a couple of hours as just couldnt concentrate and had lots of what ifs going through my mind. So I left and called the above number and she said come see her in person at the logistics company so I did.

I got there and asked how the logistics company is involved, and they said my dad had worked there for the past 10 years and were trying to find me as they wanted to ensure my dad's affairs weren't handled by the state since he'd made mention of having a son.

I had a really good chat with her about the present-day dad and then with a couple of his co-workers as well. They thought the world of him, said he never missed a day and shared anecdotal stories about him. They offered a lot of support and answered a lot of the questions I'd been wondering about since they knew the current day dad as opposed to the 20 year old good memories I have. It was extremely helpful.

But now its a little daunting, as I have to arrange everything from getting his belongings out of his rental to setting up a funeral date. A few tasks on the list I've not needed to do before.
 
Back
Top