Joke Thread

A husband and his wife went to the Doctor to discuss a problem. The Doctor took the husband in first.

The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated.

He checked his blood pressure and other things, and finally told him he would see his wife now.

He took her to another cubicle and told her to completely disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - OK you can get dressed now, I will talk to your husband.

Then the Doctor went into the other office and told the husband - You can relax. There is nothing wrong with you.

I couldn't get an erection either!!
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a group of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the guys. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

?Please allow me to help. I?m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you?d allow me,? she told him.

?Oh, no, I?ll be all right. I?ll be fine in a few minutes,? the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, ?How does that feel??
He replied, ?It feels wonderful, but I think my thumb is still broken.?
 
A man walks into Parliament office and says to the receptionist, "I would like to put my name forward for the forthcoming elections to be a Green MP."
The receptionist replied, "Certainly sir. Please fill in this form.''
He was filling the form OK until he came to the question - ''Are you circumcised?''
So he asked the receptionist, "Is this question necessary?"
She replied, "If you are circumcised you are not eligible."
He then asked, "What difference does it make if I am circumcised?"
She replied, "To become a Green MP you have to be a complete dick."
 
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I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,were a couple,were married,were a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'
 
Last night I saw a hypnotist, brilliant, until .. ..

He hypnotised 7 men, then he dropped a big mic stand on his foot and yelled
F__K ME!
what happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life
 
Last Sunday morning:

We were preparing for a 1 year old birthday party this morning, my wife gave me a present to wrap.
Wife: "I haven't gotten him a card, because he can't read yet."
Me: "You're giving him a book."
 
Spuds.

Potatoes

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried.
They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
... just a COMMONTATER!"
 
The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:-

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
 
something we've all been told we will do, should do, or have done

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'Involuntary Muscle Contraction'

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your ******** is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.?

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
 
And for Mr Fabulous

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.
They get back to his place,
and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is
completely filled with soft, sweet,
cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the
bedroom,
with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them
and she was immediately touched
by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy
to have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,
She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.
but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,
after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,
'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!
Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom
where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,
strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,
and says:

'Help yourself to any prize
from the middle shelf'
 
A mild-mannered man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy boulevard.
Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration and flipping him a bird and shaking her fist as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.
The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.
She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"
 
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw
Two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.
"We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you, " the lawyer said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind."
"Thank you for taking all of us with you.
The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high."

Come on now...you really didn't think there was such a thing as a heart-warming lawyer story...did you????
 
Accident: Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness....

He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. Slowly he realized he'd been in a serious accident, with major injuries to his body.

She gave him a deep look straight into his eyes, and he heard her say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow through the oxygen mask, he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts then?"

That.....my friend is a positive attitude.
 
Ma and Pa outhouse

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.
Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college gradjyate." So Pa drives down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College gradjyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"
As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"
 
NASA Mars lander containing the robot "curiosity" landed 6 August 2012
30 months of daily pictures,
show no sign of
  • Beer
  • Porn
  • Football
  • Cricket
Conclusive proof, Men are not from Mars
 
Had to get my pet Lizard some Valium as he's been a bit stressed out lately.

Now he's a

calmer calmer calmer calmer calmer chameleon
 
Bigger boos

Wife to Hubby: "I wish my boobs were bigger".
Hubby to Wife: "Take some toilet paper and rub it between your boobs 3 times a day".
Wife to Hubby: "Will that really work"?
Hubby to Wife: "Look what it did for your butt".
 
Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives.

The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife,

"Harvey Norman"
The host asked him why that name?

He replied,
"Absolutely no interest for 36 months."
 
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