Joke Thread

I am fairly new to the forum so don't know if a joke thread has been done before, but some of the threads do get pretty serious so thought it would be a good idea to lighten things up a bit....

I will start things off with Microsoft -

One of Microsoft's finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, "It's leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!"

America was once the greatest country on Earth.

They had the best country/western singer: Johnny Cash

They had the best comedian: Bob Hope

They had one of the greatest entrepreneurs: Steve Jobs.

Wow, how things change: Now they have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

wobbycarly said:

America was once the greatest country on Earth.

They had the best country/western singer: Johnny Cash

They had the best comedian: Bob Hope

They had one of the greatest entrepreneurs: Steve Jobs.

Wow, how things change: Now they have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Click to expand...

If the forum had a like button, I'd have clicked it

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

wobbycarly said:

America was once the greatest country on Earth.

They had the best country/western singer: Johnny Cash

They had the best comedian: Bob Hope

They had one of the greatest entrepreneurs: Steve Jobs.

Wow, how things change: Now they have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Click to expand...

Let's just hope nothing happens to Kevin Bacon.

PT_Bear said:

Let's just hope nothing happens to Kevin Bacon.

Click to expand...

Or Jessica Alba.

Sorry, no pun there, she's just really hot

vbplease said:

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington" When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Click to expand...

thats funny... I've stolen it for my facebook page..

My friends are constantly making fun of me because of how gullible I am.

We'll see who's laughing when I'm earning $657 a day from the comfort of my own home.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right," She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

1. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

2. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador . "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

3. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend......yet.

4. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. "At first I was afraid then I was petrified......"

5. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I've been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

6. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

7. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

8. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

9. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

10. I was driving this morning when I saw an RACQ van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

wobbycarly said:

America was once the greatest country on Earth.

They had the best country/western singer: Johnny Cash

They had the best comedian: Bob Hope

They had one of the greatest entrepreneurs: Steve Jobs.

Wow, how things change: Now they have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs.

Click to expand...

No Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. And it's no Wonder.

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action.
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy cow busy.

This bloke said to me, he said: “I once got my dog to retrieve a stick from 100 miles away.”I said: “That’s a bit far-fetched.”

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill.
Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes

I went to the head office of the RSPCA today. It’s absolutely tiny. You couldn’t swing a cat in there.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

I was at an employment agency and the clerk said: “What do you think of voluntary work?” I said: “I wouldn’t do it if you paid me.”

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. NOTHING !!!

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing the part of a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

I’ll tell you something that’s worth its weight in gold – gold.

Here's one i heard recently.

A science teacher asks the blonde in the class "If you're in a vacuum and you scream, can anyone hear you"?

The blonde replies "is it turned on or off?"

Another one on the blonde theme....

A plane is on its way to Brisbane, when a blonde in
economy class gets up, and moves to the first class
section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks
to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy
class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m
going to Brisbane and I’m staying right here."
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells
the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde
bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in
economy, and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to
explain that because she only paid for economy
she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m
going to Brisbane and I’m staying right here."
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should
have the police waiting when they land to arrest
this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she is a blonde? I'll
handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear,
and she says, "oh, I’m sorry." and gets up and goes
back to her seat in economy..
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and
asked him what he said to make her move without
any fuss.
I told her, "first class isn't going to Brisbane".

Rotflmgo...:d:d:d

I wanted to put this in the poop thread, but it was locked already a bear and a rabbit were taking a poop in the woods, the bear asked the rabbit, do you have a problem with poop sticking to your fur, the rabbit said no! so the bear took the rabbit and wiped his butt with him.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "does this taste funny to you?".

Why are pirates called pirates? Because they ARRRRRR!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!

I love cheesy jokes

GREEK-ONOMICS


Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece.

The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town.

When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.


The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".


The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous.

When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said, "You see that bridge over there?"

The Spaniard replied - "No!"

.......the funniest line I've heard in yolks:


"I speak blonde......."



That just cracked me up......kudos.

YONKS........YONKS!!!!

Bugger.....I hate bloody auto spell!!!

what do you call a woman with a toothpick in her head?

Olive